he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
