im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Houston, we have a squirter
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
