This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
