i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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