I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
