Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
