Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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