i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hippo gnu deer
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
