I hate all girls vehemently.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
