When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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