I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
