I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
