I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
