Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
