The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
