My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Randomize
