What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
