I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
