I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
