it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
