a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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