There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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