I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
