I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
