Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
