I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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