i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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