apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
