My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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