if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
