please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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