I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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