Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Girls should come with a carfax report
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
