I just saw a hot homeless man
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
