not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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