no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
