I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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