Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
