I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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