kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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