dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
