I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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