I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
