i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
