there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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