I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I want to be your penis for a week.
i think my cat just said my name.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
