the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
FUCK WHALES
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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