yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
