i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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