SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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