A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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